a little bit magic

I’m tired of people hating on LOL and similar internet jargon. You wanna know who’s actually ‘laughing out loud’? Me. That’s who. Ask anyone who has witnessed me in front of a computer for more than fifteen minutes. You know why I’m laughing out loud? Because the internet is fun. Because the internet tickles me. Because I’m talking to someone who makes me laugh or watching a cat mastering a treadmill or enjoying my goddamn life, that’s why.

I want to talk to you. I want you to hear all about everything. I want to tell you that it’s been 164 days since we last talked and I want to hear you say that you know, that you’ve been counting, too. You’re the first person I feel like calling when something silly happens and the only person I know that would understand why I’m pushing myself to not talk to you. I could argue that you don’t know me anymore. But I know that you do, and that is why I still can’t talk to you.

6. Stop getting stupid tattoos in cursive writing on your rib cages, wrists, and necks that say things like “live” or “breathe” or “love” or “pestilence” in another language

Your body is not the inside cover of your 8th grade notebook—treat it accordingly.

7. Stop hating yourself

You’re skinny enough. I promise. Yourself is enough. Maybe you could read more, but whatever, we all could. Your clothes are fine. No, you don’t need to change before we go out. You’re not perfect but there’s a very small percentage of females who are, and he dumped you because he has a learning disability and refers to himself as “The Wind.” It has nothing to do with you.

The internet knows you’re its bitch. The internet knows this about everyone. It’s like Frankenstein. We created it and now we’re sort of like, “J/K. Take it back?” It’s not going anywhere. #sowwy

Somebody loves you if they don’t mind the quiet. They don’t mind running errands with you or cleaning your apartment while blasting some annoying music. There’s no pressure, no need to fill the silences. You know how with some of your friends there needs to be some sort of activity for you to hang out? You don’t feel comfortable just shooting the shit and watching bad reality TV with them. You need something that will keep the both of you busy to ensure there won’t be a void. That’s not love. That’s “hey babe! i like you okay. do you wanna grab lunch? i think we have enough to talk about to fill two hours!” It’s a damn dream when you find someone you can do nothing with. Whether you’re skydiving together or sitting at home and doing different things, it’s always comfortable. That is fucking love.

2. Karen Walker from Will & Grace
 

Even though Will & Grace is a problematic show at best, Karen Walker brought new life into every scene she was in with her hilarious one-liners, possible bisexuality, and penchant for boozing and taking pills. She was the couture of camp—a gay man’s nocturnal emission—and even though her character was the most outlandish, she somehow managed to be the most real. Will’s neuroses were grating, Jack was a gay caricature summoned from the media devils, and Grace was a redheaded desperado. But Karen? She was just right.

4. Your “permanent record.” Never seen the thing in my life.

5. “The best four years of your life.” Puh-leaze! … Real life starts after high school, when you’re free to stay out past 2am, wake up in a strangers bed and still expect a paycheck the following week. You can do anything and you don’t have to tell anyone! You can be whoever you want to be and no reputation can hold you down.

4. John Grisham

If you read John Grisham, you are someone’s grandparent. Oh my god, old people have the funniest taste in books. They’ll read stuff like Memoirs of Geisha and The Help and think they’re being super progressive by reading about prostitutes and racial tension. Oprah’s tapped into old people. She knows what’s up. Her book club recommendations are perfect for weepy 70-year-olds in their golden years.

Hah. I adooooooore JGrisham.

Never slur your words. Slurring your words as the result of alcohol consumption at this point in your life is something you don’t want to be doing. You’ve Had Too Much and You Didn’t Know When To Stop; You Have No Self Control. “Who is this chick? Is she still in college or something? I told you not to bring college kids to my parties, anymore. I told you. She’s totally shit-faced! Oh my god, get her out of here, I have to wake up at 7:30 tomorrow morning!!”

8. Do I have a career right now? Will I refer to this time as part of my career later? When am I going to have a career? Is this a career? Is this life, or is life going to happen later?

9. Is everyone still getting married and settling down? Is that something everyone’s eventually going to do? Or did everyone stop doing that? Like, you know how everyone’s parents got married and then got divorced? Is that our destiny?

19. What are all my friends going to look like when they’re old?

20. What position am I going to find myself in in 10 years? Will all this work pay off?